Rooted and grounded

Recently I came across a quote by Brene Brown which said: "Don't shrink, don't puff up, stand your sacred ground." It spoke to my reality at this stage in my journey, as I venture out into providing services in the field of psychotherapy and spiritual accompaniment.

Standing has been a bit of a challenge for me over the years, because I couldn't find a solid core of Self which I could stand in and live from. This meant when I ventured out into the world, somewhere on the inside I would implode or collapse and have to retreat within-shrink in Brene's words. I performed well enough on the outside, went to work, appeared successful but inwardly I felt very fragmented and un-whole. I was a human doing, driven by many fears, but not a peaceful human being.

I ventured into the world of therapy about 25 years ago, struggling with how to make sense of a toxic faith experience and rather confused that my Christian vision of my empowered 'life in Christ' didn't seem to be working out very well. I was struggling with low self worth; issues around trust and relationships; a shame based core and I felt lost in terms of what help I needed to help me move forward in recovery; and what to do with my life. I found relationships difficult and I was experiencing trauma (at the time I didn't know I was suffering from a toxic stress response and my nervous system was completely out of kilter.. I felt unsafe and fearful of myself and of others).

I had very little emotional understanding of myself at that time. I failed to recognise my emotions; I found it impossible to risk being emotionally vulnerable and withdrawing from the world was one of my coping strategies that wasn't serving me well. Well 25 years on, and a whole lot of learning has taken place or I should say 'unlearning' really and I am in a very different state of being.

Unlearning or 'letting go' is the work of psychotherapy. But before you can do that, a whole lot of making sense of yourself and your experiences is needed, through enquiry and exploration of how you think, feel and behave. It is also the work many spiritual traditions attest to and which I found by looking into the wisdom of the desert and monastic traditions. The psychological, therapeutic and spiritual journey within my Christian faith have been intricately linked for me.

Now, I experience myself as emotionally literate, I have awareness, I have come to know myself and with self knowledge, I have a lot more conscious control and power in the choices that I make. My emotions no longer toss me about in storms, and if they do arise, I have the skills now to notice and observe them rather than be at their dictates. I can stand now in what Brene calls 'sacred ground'. I have come to know my centre and that it is rooted in something much more solid than my former states of fear, shame, rejection, or anger and that it is much more enduring and permanent than those transient states of being. I am learning to live from this centred place. Some might say it is a deeper place of the mind or consciousness. Some might call it a compassionate place; a mindful place or being in the present moment or being in the presence of God.

Whatever language we give it. I find it to be a very different place, perspective and outlook from which to perceiver myself, others, and the planet. It's a safe and secure place within, an assured and confident place in something greater than myself. I have come home to what I will call God at the centre of my being. All of this I have learnt and that is the amazing thing. No matter where you come from or what experiences you have had, you can unlearn, you can learn new skills. You can do this because your brain has neuroplasticity and can form new connections and delink from old associations and patterns. You can literally take off the old and put on the new. Once you know what skills and practices will help to get you there.

So, if you can identify with my former way of being then there is good news for you, because I'm just a normal person who decided to go on a journey and put my trust in the unknown. I was willing to live with my questions, painful emotions, chaos and confusion and discomfort rather than have all the answers. Whilst I didn't know where I was going or where I would end up the journey is continually leading me to myself. That is a great gift- I'm becoming more and more content to be able to be myself instead of something I thought I had to be in order to be loved or to belong or to be accepted. If I can do it, so can you.

There is a great song by Enya called Pilgrim and I leave you with that song ,and the question, Are you on the road that leads to You? If not are you ready to start the journey?

"you can not change what's over, but only where you go. One way leads to diamonds, One way leads to Gold, another leads you only to everything you're told. In your heart you wonder which of these is true, the road that leads to nowhere the road that leads to YOU"